6 Months Sob……

Today was supposed to be the day I wrote I’ve been sober for 6 months. I won’t be writing that today. I am sober. I was sober yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and so on. I didn’t go completely alcohol free shortly after my 5 months of being sober for 5 months every day. I caught a buzz from some seltzers one long day after a really strange frigging year of craziness for all of us. I’m not going to feel guilty about it either.

I’m sick of feeling guilty. Guilt I haven’t become more. Guilt I don’t behave and stay still like everyone else. I’m sick of judgemental people in my own family. People who have never been completely on their own throwing stones from their glass house. πŸ™„

Maybe some people will look at me as a failure. That’s their problem, not mine. I’m a pretty functional human and I stopped drinking on a every day basis years ago. About 7-8 years ago to be exact. Honestly, after I wrote my 5 months sober blog I realized I’m not that different. I definitely keep my thoughts more to myself when I’m sober.

Example: After a day of flavored seltzers the uber driver and I get in a discussion how we need to take our rights back and it’s time for a revolution. πŸ€”πŸ˜¬ Probably not a conversation I would get into and be so vocal about with no seltzers in me. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ

I also have very little or no emotion sober. Give me a couple drinks and I love everyone. Or I might let out a cry that I have been holding in for months or just cry at a song. Actually I do that sober and if anyone is around I try and hide it. Same with movies. πŸ˜† Am I making excuses to drink? I dunno, maybe? I just know that certain people should not drink ever because alcohol does completely takeover their life.

As for me alcohol does not run my life, but I need to be conscious of why I am drinking. Am I drinking because I am upset and emotional? If so, I shouldn’t be. Am I drinking to be social and am I being responsible with taking an uber etc? Am I drinking to get messed up or am I drinking with a friend or family to relax and talk? Am I drinking with someone I TRUST is another big question I need to ask myself to keep myself safe.

Now my experience does not mean I’m saying go drink. If I have a few drinks 2-3x a month like I usually was, I’m not going to hate myself about it. I just need to keep myself safe from situations that could have a very negative outcome. I also stay clear of hard alcohol unless it’s a fancy great tasting drink with dinner. I know that I drink fast so those lovely seltzers are a better choice for long social events. I learned a lot in the 5 months I dealt with my anxiety and everything else going on in the world without numbing it with alcohol. I’m proud of myself for keeping it together and learning how to deal with that nervous feeling never leaving my mind and body.

Honestly, I’m just living for today and I’m sick about thinking about the past and the future. My mind, body, and spirit is sick of trying to keep up with society. What is the best you? Do any of us even know what that really is? I mean clearly me passed out or getting arrested isn’t the best me. But really who sets these standards for us to think one way or another is being our best self? I haven’t worked out in weeks everyday like I was. Does that make me less? Am I not being my best self? Well I’m still the same size and maybe we are all just too hard on ourselves. What’s the goal? Not the goal society taught you. Material things, status, job title, money etc. What’s the goal you want in your soul?

I’m not sure what mine is yet. But I’m going to do my best to try to listen and look out for the next step. I’m going to try not to worry so much about the future and just concentrate on today. Try to be HAPPY and grateful just for today. My goal is to be HAPPY not PERFECT. None of us are making it out of here alive anyway. ✌ Feel free to comment, share, or like.

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