I haven’t written in a while. I also said I wouldn’t write any blogs about being single anymore a few months ago. I didn’t really feel like it and nothing new was going on. I completely shutdown dating anyway. You see I dreaded going on dates so much I usually chugged about 3 drinks before I even met up with a guy. I know real classy. What can I say 3 drinks makes anyone more interesting and entertaining. People bore me very easily. It also usually makes a hell of a story of how the night turns out. 😳 I definitely have enough stories to last a lifetime at this point.
Tomorrow will be 30 days of no drinks. I’ve done it before and longer but this time I’m going way longer. I survived a 16 hour plane ride sober and also my first completely sober first “date” ever so I’m guessing I got this. The date wasn’t even bad at all, who knows for him but at least I know it is now possible to survive a few hours with someone sober. 😜
Even looking back on my writing I can see so many personalities in myself come in and out over the past year. I read some of the things I wrote and start to get uncomfortable I even posted that. They were real for the moment of what was going on in my life. Sometimes a bit too real. In a world full of fake I guess I wanted to make sure I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. Although sometimes it may seem like my worst quality because I just can’t keep my thoughts to myself I’ll take honesty and being real over lying and fake any day. I definitely have made that clear.
For someone who “appears” to be fearless. I sure the hell am not. As I play psychoanalyst on myself for the 748th time in my life I realize more and more as to why I portrayed myself to be something deep down I absolutely knew I was not.
It is easier to handle rejection if someone never really knew who you were to begin with. So you blacked out and passed out in a corner somewhere. Screw it, I wouldn’t want to talk to me either the next day. 😂 On to the next. That is a really ridiculous way to behave now looking back on it. I didn’t consciously plan on doing this. I just look back now and see a pattern. A pattern that made me ask myself what is your problem?
My problem is I’ve been let down by the people who were suppose to care about me way too many times at a very young age. I think they call it abandonment issues. So when this is an imprint in the way you were raised you do things without even realizing it to protect yourself from it happening again. You can’t get abandoned if you are always on your own. Now that being said was there anyone I really wanted to be with anyway over those years of dating and ripping back martinis? I mean was there anyone worth me being who I actually really am?
No. Looking back there absolutely was not. I mean they say you attract what you are. At that time I wasn’t even ready to be who I know I can be and had no idea what really made me happy. I bought a lot of material items in my younger years. I kept thinking since I didn’t have anything when I was younger that would make me happy. A house with a fireplace, a nice car, designer bags. I kept “busy” working everyday of my life to have “things”. For some people this might be their goal and that’s great if these material things make you happy along with degrees and social status. Everyone is different. That will never be me. I am not saying I haven’t accomplished anything in the last 36 years of my life and I don’t appreciate a nice bag and a good view from my room. If you want to give me a Burberry bag I’ll gladly take it. 😁 Might sell it for a plane ticket, but I’ll take it.
What I have learned now is everything really is a learning lesson. Every relationship was a stepping stone. I learned more about myself and usually things about other people who just won’t work for me in the long run. Everyone has a different timing in life when they are ready for different things. Everyone has a different sense of depth in them. Some shallow some deep. Shallow does not work for me. Physical attractions and material things will never be enough for me. There is so much more to this world than those things.
Now I’ve gotten way too deep so I probably won’t even post this. 😂 It was so much easier when I was borderline blacked out writing. That Briana did not give a sh*t what she posted.
We are almost half way through depressing December. I’m surviving it without bottles of wine this year. 🙌 Goals! Everything in life is temporary, maybe next December is the best December I’ll ever had! Maybe next month is the best month of my life! No-one knows what the future holds. I can’t give up at this point so I’ll just hope for the best, keep having faith, and try to be the best version of myself that I can be. I guess that’s the most any of us can do? So for those of you loving December I’m jealous and you are lucky! For those of you who want to be the Grinch and can’t wait for 2018 I’m so with you! Happy Holidays! Happy New Year! Have a great rest of 2017 and even better 2018! I need to write again. I feel like I just went to a good therapist. 😆✌
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