Addictions and Perfections

Addictions: we all have them in different ways.

So I have extremely weird addictions for I guess not regular reasons.

I have perfection issues. Someone can tell me I’m beautiful 800x and all I see are my flaws. I know I’m not ugly but I got picked on at a very early age.Β  By my mother, she sat me before school when I was in 2nd grade and picked my face on a daily basis, I mean everything, every piece of skin and when I got older it got worse. Strangely enough I didn’t remember a lot of this until the last couple years of my life.Β  There are not many times I don’t see everything wrong with me.Β  Inside and out.Β  I’m sure we all have our insecurities but mine have been something I’ve had to talk myself out of on a daily basis.Β  Not being “good enough” has been a problem for as long as I can remember.

I fought and still fight it well. I know our physical appearance doesn’t mean shit. But we live in a sad world where that seems to be all that matters. This coming from a girl you think takes “selfies” Because she must think she’s so beautiful. Not even close.Β  It’s more because for that moment she actually doesn’t see her imperfections that the person who brought her into this world made a big point to pick out.

I can sit and think about all I have accomplished in my life but that still doesn’t take away that the 2 people who were suppose to be here for me…..we’re not.Β  I’m not mad about it.Β  More sad about it at this point. More jealous that I’ll never know how it feels to have that.

I’ll never know what it feels like to have meaningful relationships with your parents. I know my dad tried. I know he watches over me and it hurts him when I question myself if I’ll ever even know if I’ll truly ever know how to trust another soul other than myself.

My addiction luckily isn’t his. Drugs have never been my thing.Β  When I say inspirational things on Facebook it’s because I’ve been saying them for as long as I can remember to survive.Β Β  And luckily I have.Β  I’m blessed even with all I’ve seen that I keep trying to see only the positive things in life.Β  December is both my parents birthday, my dad’s falling on New Years Eve every year, my mother’s on December 11 and it’s Christmas.Β  It’s been for as long as I can remember one of the worst months of my life every year, always a reminder of what I don’t have.Β Β  But not this year.Β  It’s just another month this year.Β  I have plenty. Amazing friends who are my family.Β  I’ve seen amazing things.Β  This year, it’s just another month.😊 Β God bless! πŸ’ͺπŸ™ And have an amazing rest of 2016 and a way better 2017. ✌❀

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6 thoughts on “Addictions and Perfections

  1. I love how open and honest you are in writing these. That takes so much courage to do. You are an amazing woman and beautiful inside and out!! I am so proud of you for all you have accomplished in your life. You are an inspiration to everyone that reads your blog. I wish I was as strong as you were, but I wasn’t until now. Thanks for sharing and inspiring me and others!!! πŸ˜„πŸ˜˜πŸ˜‡πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

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    1. Thank you Alicia!!! It’s never too late to be a better you!!! The past is history! What matters is right now, and you are doing the best right now! So just think about that! Thank you so much for the compliments on my writings. One’s like this I get really nervous about posting, but then I think about the random inboxes I have gotten saying how it made someone feel better that day and say f*ck it. Post it. 😊

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  2. “You is Kind, You is Smart, You is Important”. Your writing tells a story. Sometimes, terrible sad – other times filled with hope. I admire your courage to put your words out for others to pick apart. Decembers are much the same here this past decade or so. Lord, just get me through to February, past the year end, past the birthdays. We shall slide through the rest of 2016…. 2017, here we come

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  3. Even though you were witness to both of your parents’ addictions, you were one of the few who were able to move past that and be a success in your own right! Not many people have been able to do that-you should be proud! Many end up following in their footsteps without even realizing it because it’s all they ever knew. You have been successful in all that you do AND continue to do-I am proud of you and your accomplishments! Keep digging down deep and baring your soul, keep writing, keep inspiring those of us who need it. Keep traveling and most of all-keep enjoying life! You deserve every moment! ❀️

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  4. Brianna I too have had to push to feel good enough. When I was young and attractive and that’s what people always commented in I never really appreciated thenoutside when I felt so worthless on the inside. I work on it at 57 like you do. Thank you for your honesty and reading my little posts. You find many wonderful people on here!

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