Death has been something I’ve wanted at points of my life and feared at other points. I’ve been sick. Not sick with physical illness. Sick within my soul. Sick with myself. I’ve been to the dark side, I fought it, but I’ve been there. The times where you know your losing your mind because everything in life is temporary and your being weak. You’re being weak minded and falling into the dark. Where drinking that once was for fun, becomes your out, your need for escaping reality. You don’t want to get out of bed anymore. you cry everyday. You start to think I am what I came from. I won’t escape. I’m trapped in my own thoughts. I will be my parents. I am them. I will start to hear the voices, I’ll give up too. I’ll become my worst fear. I no longer think anything like that.
People talk about suicide like it’s the most selfish thing they ever heard of. I use to think that too, until one day I really thought about the place you end up in your head to take your own life and completely give up. That has to be one really dark horrible place. A place where you are no longer in control of your mind, your depression, your darkness. You have so lost your sh*t you would rather not be here anymore. Stop thinking about yourself for a minute, and think what insanity most go through someone’s mind to not even want another chance to fix it. You’re just done. Picture your worst day x1000 and that has to be how anyone who takes their own life feels. The only way to fix the horrible feeling inside is to end it all. To take a gun to your head and feel that pulling the trigger is your only way out is something I don’t ever want to feel. Unfortunately a long time ago that’s how my dad felt.
I no longer ask why, he was one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. As a little kid his stories of growing up in the streets of nyc at 12 years old were straight out of a movie. He had stab wounds, places where he got shot. The man was as tough as nails going through concrete if that’s even possible. One day he wasn’t strong enough anymore. The darkness consumed whatever he had left and he lost his battle with being strong. This use to really piss me off, but not anymore. He’s at peace now, and I know he tries to look over my little sister and me as much as possible. I forgive you papa, and I’ll try to be as fearless as you once were. You will never be able to grab lunch with me, we will never have another Christmas together, you will never walk me down the aisle, and that’s ok. I’m strong enough now in this world to walk alone. Until we meet again. ❤👼